Been a while

August 25, 2009 Suzie

I haven’t written on my blog for ages and have wanted to for a while so here goes. I don’t know where to begin but have prayed that God would be writing through me.

I’m in a tough season right now and i feel that maybe through writing this i need to remind myself of some truths about my loving Heavenly father. He is love. I forget that way too easily. Everything he does is because He loves me, he is love defined. Even through this hard, lonely season, He is loving me. He is my father in heaven. He wants me to know this. Again, how easily i forget this simple truth. He created me. Even before the creation of the world he knew me and loved me. If i’m honest, i really, really can’t get my head around this but its truth. Full stop.

He knows everything there is to know about me. Scary thought. I know a heck of a lot about me and i don’t always like what i know. At all. But again, He loves me. He knows that I am a sinner, that i mess up but that doesn’t stop Him loving me. Wow!

He has promised to be with me always. There are times lately when I have felt so lonely, like no one really understands me but i am never alone. I have a heavenly father who loves me, is always there and always keeps His promises. A father who understands me!

He wants to be the centre of my life, the centre of everything I do, everything I say, everything I think but He isn’t. So far from it. How ridiculous. This God, my father, desires a relationship with me. A relationship can only grow when it is two way. How we can develop a friendship if we never talk to someone, never spend time with them!? Its absurd. Yet thats exactly what i do. I say i have a relationship with God but part of me is scared to run to Him, to his open arms and share my heart. How can I not trust my King?! The song i’m listening to right now! Its ridiculous. He has done so much for me yet I don’t trust Him, ultimately with my heart.

I know that I’m scared yet I have no reason. Through past relationships I have found it hard to really give my heart but why do I even think about God like this? He is not mere man. He is the one who has called, saved me, reconciled me.

Even now, as i sit and write this, my heart isn’t feeling it, doesn’t feel the truth. I hate that because one thing I know about the way God made me, was to be passionate. I am a passionate person, I love loving people, I love loving what I do. So when I don’t feel passionate, it hurts. I don’t want to be in this place.

I feel like a hypocrite. In just a few weeks I am heading back to uni and will be leading a Christian Union. How can I do that when my relationship with God is near enough non-existent. I guess it makes me more dependent on God but it’s not real. I want to lead others to Jesus, I want others to realise the depth of His love for them, but I don’t know it myself. I’m scared of what i will be like if i really grasp the depths, the heights, the width of his love for me. I want so much to escape with God. I have enjoyed a summer serving Him in different ways but I haven’t spent quality time with Him. Just me and Him. I wnat to know the feeling of being in His arms, feeling His love wrap around me.

Someone recently said to me that I need to love myself for some one else to be able to love me. But my heart says that actually I need to know how much my creator, the author of life loves me. I need to let go but i’m holding back. There’s always something holding me back. Even now, I know I have to go to work so I can’t engage my heart, because I don’t think its going to be an easy road to travel, realising how much he loves me. Especially when I can’t even begin to get my head around it. When I see myself, think about myself, I can’t even begin to imagine the love of the one who actually created me!

Woah! I have written a lot. This is my heart right now. He knows that. I love that.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. inrelentlesspursuitoftruth  |  August 26, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    I’m so glad you got this out sweetie, and I know He is too. I know you may feel you’re surrounded by clouds and dark shadows right now. I know it may seem like He has removed Himself from you, or that you’ve somehow suceeded in pushing away Him( through a fear that you don’t deserve His love). All I can say is, He isn’t disappointed in you. He will not turn His ear from you. Run into His presence. Hide away from inside His love and let it strip you of every fear. He has made you righteous. He doesn’t call you to a standard of perfection. You have already been made holy. He only asks that you come. That’s all…He has done the rest on the cross.
    Love you!

  • 2. Hannah  |  September 7, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    Hey lovely!!!

    Been missing you bucket loads over the summer! Can’t wait till your back in like two ish weeks if not sooner 😀

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAinzW3NUQk – I love this song – it’s not technically a worship song but it has amazing lyrics

    “Seems like I always fall short of being worthy, cos’ I ain’t good enough but he still loves me, i ain’t no superstar, spotlight ain’t shining on me, cos’ I ain’t good enough but he still loves me”

    (If I arrive early at band practice I stand in church with it on my ipod and sing it at the top of my lungs lol.)

  • 3. Bill Bartmann  |  September 21, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    I don’t know If I said it already but …Hey good stuff…keep up the good work! 🙂 I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)

    A definite great read..

    -Bill-Bartmann

  • 4. Terry Mcallister  |  September 24, 2009 at 2:19 am

    Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking your feeds too now, Thanks.


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