The goings on of my heart


There has been so much going on lately that I’m not really sure what to write about but I guess the big thing this week could be summed up in a word. Surrender. Through reading a book based on the song ‘Blessed be your name’ there was a lot of truth that spoke to my heart. ‘Though there’s pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name’. This week, that was painful. The offering I gave to Him was huge. I won’t go into loads of details but basically, I had to let go of a past relationship, which to be honest I thought I had but God showed me I hadn’t. but I needed to. Because ultimately, His best for me is the best. Truth. But I couldn’t have His best if I was holding onto what I thought was best so I gave it to Him. I laid it down on the altar and now I know, whatever He has for me in the future, is His best for me and what more could I want?

I can begin to dream again. Whether it be next week, next year or 10 years time, He’s making me ready to be a wife. But for now, He is teaching me. Some painful stuff but I can go through it because He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. What beauty in that truth.

One other truth to leave you with which filled me with joy and peace this week…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4 v 16-18.

Add a comment June 26, 2010

An added bonus from DTW!

Another exciting thing happened I just had to write about!

On the YWAM DTW that I previously blogged about something happened and it feels right to expand…

On the friday night a guy who has just done 6 months with YWAM prayed with me and another person, after praying he said he thought he had something to share with me. He asked me if I’d heard about the sharks sports team and of course I replied, ‘no, I haven’t’ sowe moved on and he shared the other thing which was also about a shark.

Then over the weekend I felt God place South Africa on my heart, which was just so exciting because I’d surrendered it all to God and said to Him Lord if you want me to go somewhere, please place it on my heart, if not, i’ll keep trusting you anyway.

Then this week, a few weeks after this weekend, I was tellign a friend about the whole weekend and for some reason added the part about the sharks team even though it meant nothing to me!

Then the next morning I saw this same friend again and she said, ‘You didnt tell me about the sharks team!’ so of course I replied, ‘what do you meanm the sharks team?!’ only to hear a reply, ‘a south African sports team!’

A part of me thought, nooo way! So of course I checked it out from some friends who lived in South Africa and they are huge fans of the Derby, south African rugby team, THE SHARKS!!!!

I mean seriously, how cool is our God?! Beyond words, confirmation was there from the beginning but He gave me the privilige of finding out way after to see how it all fts. Even more excited to see what the future holds!!

1 comment June 12, 2010

A beautiful God and a beautiful ministry part 2

The next morning I spent time with my Daddy, just sitting (its hard for me!) and felt liek thats what He wanted. Just to sit and think on Him. There on the wall was a picture of a little girl maybe chinese with the only way i can describe, sad eyes, longing eyes. i kept being drawn back to it.

I felt Him saying, ‘This is the season of learning to be my daughter, to begin to understand my Father heart. Not just for you. But for each and every little girl and boy you will come to meet, come to rescue, from the horrors of this world to know they have a father, a daddy who loves them. So much. Thats what I’m calling you to.  Your identity is to be found in me that they might see a glimpse of my Father heart through you.’

(Even as I write this, I cannot believe it. its just so crazy and radical. But that is the God I love, the God I serve!)

Called to be His feet to go, His arms to wrap around and to embrace, His mouth to smile and speak words of love, His eyes to gaze upon beauty, His ears to listen, His heart to love and His breath to breathe life.
I can make a difference. Not because of anything in me. But because He has loved me, called me, sending me, equipping me.

The amazing woman of God I prayed with the night before, was speaking sunday morning on passport to life. We are made in the image of God. Not to be used by Him but to work with Him. Wow! I am His treasured possession. Jesus in me is more than I will ever realise. God is my breath  of life. What is His breath in me doing? God is Sovereign.

There is no plan B with God. We are His plan. He is going to use your story to set the captives free.  (This spoke straight to my heart!)
She then went on to say that God wants to use our eyes to love, to set people free, our hands, our feet, exactly what God said in my time with Him that morning!.

Called to be a voice for the voiceless. Another sentence striaght to me heart!

So sunday afternoon my friend drove me to the station and we prayed and shared where our hearts were at and what God had been saying. I told her I felt DTS was so right for me after Uni and she confirmed it! She said that she felt God had big things in store for me, and that the sentence, ‘a voice for the voiceless’ seemed to be so for me, confirmation of what I felt the Lord say to me! As she prayed she felt the Lord say that I will be a voice for the voiceless and stamp on the chains of injustice.!

Just how beautiful is my God! To bless me with this weekend. To share some of His heart for me. In siuch a real and tangible way. Wow.

That is where I am at and after sharing it all with my family they too are excited to see what He has in store for me!

On a side note, I met some crazy, sold out, beautiful, godly guys this weekend and God renewed hope in me and in my friend for me, that there is a man called to be my husband who is sold for God, so godly and who knows but God when I will meet him but He has the best for me. I just have to wait for God’s best.

Wow! That was an incredibly long post. Well done if you made it to the end. Thank you for journeying with me on this beautiful journey that this incredible God is taking me on. Thank you for reading.

2 comments May 31, 2010

A beautiful God and a beautiful ministry part 1

So this weekend I went with my beautiful friend and mentor to a YWAM Disciplieship Training Weekend in Nuneaton to see what God has in store for me. To put it simply, it was an incredible weekend. but i’d like to share more of what happened this weekend if you’d like to know?

Then I’ll begin…;-)

So I went with no agendas but willing just to follow God and see the next little step. On the weekend there were 6 of us, me any my friend and 4 older ladies. All in completely different places but all willing to seek God for future direction. At the beginning of the weekend each of us were given a programme which on it had a verse that the Staff had prayed for us individually. Mine was Romans 1 v 16,
I am not ashamed of the Gospel because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentiles. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith”.

So friday night we arrived and the first talk we looked briefly at the disciples. Seeing how radically obedient they are in following Jesus.

That night I felt God say, ‘I haven’t called you to a life of convenience but a life of obedience’. Wow! What a start! So was looking at what are my priorities and what am I willing to give up in order to follow Him?
In our small group that night I was with two ladies who have been Christians a while but both radically changed by Jesus not having grown up in Christian homes. The Staff in our group put out a load of pictures cut out on the table and told us to pick those that reflected where we’re at with God. I found it really hard. I described it as not really knowing where I was at with Him but wanted head knolwedge to become heart knowledge and I didnt want to wait til a possible DTS for that to happen!
That night I also felt God nudge me that He wanted a season of me knowing what it means to know Him as my Abba Father, as my daddy. In  a way I never have before, but I didn’t really know any more.
This was my prayer that night,
‘God I want to know You as Father, to know You intimately like a daddy knows their daughter. I’m your little girl. I want to know that in my heart. I want to run into Your open arms. Show me God, how to be Your daughter. I want to learn how to sit in Your presence, to know I am loved and precious to You. Begin to do that, please Lord, this weekend. I long for it. I love You Lord.’

SO the next morning in group devotions as we shared scripture I could feel my spirit rise, refreshed even. I haven’t been to His Word for too long. It was beautiful. I went to my time with God and He led me to Romans 8 v 14. the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’. So I asked Him, what does it mean? What does it mean for me to be a co-heir of Christ and He prompted me to look at Ephesians 1. Spiritual blessings in Christ. Wow. Take a read. It is just mind blowing!

Then we spent time looking in the WOrd and the nature and character of God. He wants us to know Him not just in our heads but in our hearts. (Speaking already!) Then time spent looking at hearing God’s voice and my first reaction was ‘I don’t hear His voice, I don’t hear Him speak to me’ but i had to consciously get rid of those lies and say God, how do you speak to me? How can I hear your voice? And I just knew that a big way is through His Word, He’s given me such a love for it and through others and through my spirit, e.g being excited, ‘just knowing’.

So that afternoon I met up with Myra, a staff member and just shared with her my heart and talked about DTS. Said that I feel God is giving me a real heart for justice but she didn’t know too much about that particular area  so she prayed with me that God would put the right people in my life to show me what God has for me. She had a picture for me, of a magnifying glass. That God is reveal things to me, almost lifting them up from the page. Scripture, etc. Exciting!

So I went away from there not knowing much more but again just willing to trust Him and His perfect timing. That night one of the Staff, an incredible, beautiful man of God who is an evangelist in Brussels was talking about mission and God’s plan is salvation for all people and we have a part to play. Jesus has a passion that is just so great, it took Him to the cross! Do i have a passion for the lost?
A few things he said that struck a chord…
Be the change I want to see in the World.
Be the message not just have the message
We are the only Bible non-christians read!!!

So what am I afraid of when I don’t share the gospel. We were asked this question and suggested that we spent some timw asking God what our fears are, what is holding back. I was emotional. He encouraged us to go and pray with a staff about this fear so I went to talk to a lady who had just arrived from South africa going to be talking to us the next morning. I told her that I kept thinking about that verse, I didn’t want to be ashamed of the gopsel. I was scared that if someone looked at my life, would they see that I totally believe the gospel, is my life shaped by the gospel? As I was talking it all through God was confirming it in me and convicting me that I DO BELIEVE it. And I want to live my life. But she reminded me the gospel isn’t an it but a HE. YES! As she prayed she said, ‘I just want to be a witness to whatever is happenign here, its beautiful’. He was doing something in me. I began to feel excited about where God has placed me to share the gospel. She just encouraged me of what she felt about my heart and gave me some scripture. After praying, she asked me what I’m doing, where I want to go etc and I said I felt God had given me a real heart for justice. She looked and smiled and said ‘ooh thats interesting. I know about Justice and YWAM. I have contacts’ (!!!) So she gave me some links and began to talk about South Africa and a project that has been set up where there is a safehouse and inside me God was doing something, excitement bubbling up within me. Was God speaking? I think so! Wow.
As I shared it with my mentor after all of this and she felt that this was the Lord and just spoke what was in her heart for me. She felt that this was big, that God has big things for me that are going to involve rescuing from life and death situations for those I come to meet. Something in me felt like this is crazy but yes, i think you’re right. Woah!

Add a comment May 31, 2010

Spirit and truth

I love how God works. It’s beautiful.

Only on thursday I wrote in my blog about not really letting the Holy Spirit in.
On Monday til Wednesday I was taken by my church to Ground level leaders conference. It was such a priviliege to be asked to go and it was a really special few days.

On the monday there was some really good teaching and worship but again I felt like something within me was holding back and it was really hard. I was brought up in a church where the Bible was faithfully taught but personally, i didn’t feel like the Holy Spirit was a reality and in some ways it scared me. But i wanted to go deeper.

My amazing friend and mentor text me to see how i was getting on and i told her I felt like something wasn’t quite right so she prayed for me, got me to explain via text what was happening and she sent me some encouraging words…

first text…’…i think it’s an important part of where God is taking you. It’s almost like the breaking off of an old mind set. Get humble before God on it and that can cost. Be prepared to step out of your comfort zone. For greater freedom and intimacy with God. I’m cheering for you.’

So it got me thinking that a big part of it was me and self consciousness and just stubbornness I guess.

Then she sent me a few quotes from the book we’re going through in our connect group, SHAPE book.
”The more we get what we now call ‘ourselves ‘ out of the way and let Him take over, the more truly ourselves we become’
‘the absolute surrender my everything into His hands is necessary. If our hearts are willing for that, there is no limit to what God will do for us or to the blessing He will bestow’

Wow! So before going into the meeting on tuesday night, I took 5 minutes with God and just prayed and said, Lord do with me what you want. i want to meet with You. Let me meet you tonight.
So I went in and we had a really great meeting talking about the kind of leaders we should be and also looking at the part in the Bible where the Lord says to Joshua, ‘Moses my servant is dead’ and Joshua takes over and has to get his feet wet. We were challenged to let the ‘Moses’ in us die and the Joshua in us to rise up. How fitting with putting off the old mindset. I went forward at the call (not something i would usually do).

For the first time in Worship, I felt what it was to be one with God. My hands were lifted before my King and My Lord in a way they never had been. My heart was abandoned to His praise, I even clapped my King in praise and wonder. But it wasn’t about the actions, it was my heart. The actions were the overflow of my heart. Wow

So i went forward at the call and I couldn’t do anything but get on my knees as the tears came down and I knelt in awe of all my saviour as done for me and the call on my life to carry Jesus and get my feet wet. Then and there I said to the Lord, whatever you want, I want. More of you Jesus. I prayed for a greater hunger of Spirit and Truth combined. (There was a real sense of prophecy over the conference regarding being one in Spirit and Truth).

I cam out of that meeting having met with God, having experienced the Holy Spirit. It was beautiful. As we sat in the bar after, there was such a sense of peace, of joy as we all hummed to ourselves, ‘lifting you high, higher and higher’. Precious moments. I’m no longer the same person.

As I went back to my room, I couldn’t help but get my Bible and read despite the time. He was giving me the hunger. I read Isaiah chapter 1. Woah!

What a challenge right there. God tells the Israelites He doesn’t want their prayers and praise but their hearts. He wants them to seek justice. Right there, I felt the Lord say to my heart, ‘We needed tonight, tonight was good. You needed to experience me but a life of that isn’t what I’ve called you to. Seek justice’

This fits so perfectly with the way I feel God has laid DTS and justice on my heart. he really has. He is showing me that in my life I am to pursue Him and pursue justice. What a calling. But over the last few days He’s challenged me again that I don’t need to wait til DTS time but begin to seek justice now and by that I have to be in tune with His Spirit. I want to walk in step with His Spirit, following His lead. I want to follow Him.

So, I am seeking to be a woman of God who is founded in Spirit and Truth. What a challenge but what a privilege. I am called to step into the water and follow Him. Thank you Jesus.

This morning at church, a visiting guy spoke about the presence of God. We have to experience it and then we carry it. I want to experience more of God’s presence and not in a building on a sunday morning but wherever I am. I want to know God with me in such a real and tangible way. I want to carry the presence of God in a way that honours Him. That will be only done through keeping Spirit and Truth the foundations of my life.

2 comments May 2, 2010

God the craftsman-4

I love this! God isn’t just creator. He didn’t just chuck things together hoping it would all work out but He crafted it, designed it, took pleasure in all He made.

‘God did not make one mistake in His creation’. How beautiful. It reminds me of something I heard recently…that God has never made a mistake, He will never have to apologise when we meet Him.

Going back to the craftsman. We are His masterpieces according to Ephesians. Think of the beauty of the world around us yet we are His masterpieces. You are His masterpiece. When He made you, He made you UNIQUE (a word He keeps singing over me) and He delights in You! Wow!

We are made in the image of our amazing, incredible, creator God.

Will you take time to Praise Him for that? Let me just remind you again….You are not a mistake! You are His masterpiece. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen

1 comment April 25, 2010

A heavy heart

I am still trying to write these thoughts each day but every now and then I will write another post. I feel I need to.

right now, I feel like I’m struggling. Life feels hard. One of my closest friends is going through an awful time and most of the time, I don’t have any words and it just hurts.
And then there’s me and God. I need to go deeper with him. i know it, i feel it but I can’t and I just don’t know why. Even last night at worship group I couldn’t quite let the holy Spirit in. Something was in the way.
I have felt for a while that I need to dream dreams with God but i can’t. Its hard.
I am trying to lead others in leading our CU and its a struggle. I need to fight but I don’t have the strength.

I feel weak, I feel empty, I feel inadequate and so much more.
I need to keep my eyes fixed on Him but everything around me is trying to pull my gaze away from Him.

3 comments April 23, 2010

Day 3

God the creator

Three verses/points that stood out:

1. Worthy are You,our Lord and God, to receive glory and honour and power for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created. Revelation 4 v 11.

2. Remember, the origin of sin is in knowing God is there without giving him thanks or glory as we ought. Romans 1 v 21.

3. God created all things. If He had done nothing else, this alone would make Him worthy of glory, honour and power.

Wow. So true. When I see His glorious creation, do I cry out in thanks, praise and wonder to the Creator? Do you?

Add a comment April 23, 2010

Day 2

In the begininng, God.

Plain. Simple. Yet so amazing. Before the World began, God. Before creation, God. Before you or I. God.

Amazing, awesome creator. In the beginning, God.
He is worthy, so worthy of all our praise!

Enjoy it, let it sink in, let it be revealed to you again today.

In the beginning, God.

Add a comment April 22, 2010

Character of God-Day 1

For a while now I have felt God saying He wants me to go deeper and deeper with Him in my walk with Him and one way is growing in what I know about Him, His character, the truths from His Word.

At an amazing conference last week I went to the bookstall and picked up a book called ‘Incomparable’ by Andrew Wilson. The idea is that over 60 days you learn more about the character of God. So I am going to share each day the truth of God’s character from this book and how this effects me and my life and lead me in worship and praise to my amazing God.

So today, the first day

God exists
Psalm 14 v 1. “The fool says in his heart there is no God”.

The Bible never once questions the existence of God. It’s fact. He always has existed, He always does and He always will.

Whatever anyone believes, they believe in something and have to account for it. What do you believe in? Why? I challenge you to ask yourself that!

I have had the amazing privilege of always knowing this loving God exists but so much more than that, this God, wants a relationship with me!
I am so thankful for this God, the Only true God. The past few weeks have been some of the toughest of my life and what a blessing and comfort to know that this God, has been right there with me in the midst of it all.
I only have to look around me, to the beauty of this creation, especially in Wales last week, to see that there is a magnificent creator, my creator.
I was made to worship Him. Thank You God for that awesome privilege!

p.s please forgive my poor writing skills, hopefully after 60 days it will begin to improve!

1 comment April 21, 2010






May 2020

Most Recent Posts