Hedelightsinme’s Blog

I haven’t written for ages but my cousin caught up on reading my blog and left a comment and once again it just struck me how utterly perfect God’s timing is and He keeps showing me this, showing me He is more than faithful. ‘My times are in His hands’.

I was reading the last blog I wrote and realised I hadn’t filled you in! I wrote in the last one that I had prayed to know God’s love for me in an intimate way. I prayed this and a little while later He showed me how much He loves me.

I asked for a worship C.D and a red rose. I knew it was crazily random but a few weeks after this I was invited to go to a woman’s conference called Breathe and after a lot of consideration I knew I had to go. I can already see how this is all a part of the jigsaw that God Himself has created, and bit by bit, He is putting the jigsaw back together whilst reminding me He has the big picture. So throughout this weekend there was an amazing worship group and a few of their songs, that they had written themselves, I just knew I had to get it! When we were about to leave on the final day they said, we have a little present for each of you. Take it and be blessed. As we walked out, the men that had been there serving us, handed out red roses to us and I was handed one. My friend I was with hates roses and turned round and gave me hers too. I love roses! Whilst on the bus God reminded me of what I prayed for and I just silently cryed and took in His amazing love that not only sent Jesus to the Cross but delights in showing me this love. I thought it was pretty awesome!!

But recently, I have let myself forget this and have been so challenged at our Christian Union that Jesus is our ONLY salvation, it is absolutely NOTHING of us. I know this but I have started to question my attitude, This year I have been asked to be President of our Christian Union which is an enormous responsibility and privilege but at the same time I have had to question myself, my heart and my motives as to why I do what I do. If I’m honest, its all a bit confusing and crazy at the moment but God has blessed me with an amazing spiritual friend and mentour who is journeying with me on this exciting yet hard journey.

But when my cousin replied to my blog it was so utterly perfect but God knew that was what I am struggling with and needed to hear. My mentour has suggested that I ask God to romance me and only the other week a friend was praying for another friend and prayed that God would woo her and I said at the time in mny heart, God I wnat to be wooed.

I want to go deeper, that is my heart’s cry but it’s hard and only yesterday my sister reminded me that we have to be disciplined, Paul speaks of it being like the olympics, its tough, we have to train, its a fight. I’m praying God will give me the strength to fight.

There is so much more I could share but I will wait and see where He leads me. He is so good. So utterly good. oh to know Him more!

I haven’t written on my blog for ages and have wanted to for a while so here goes. I don’t know where to begin but have prayed that God would be writing through me.

I’m in a tough season right now and i feel that maybe through writing this i need to remind myself of some truths about my loving Heavenly father. He is love. I forget that way too easily. Everything he does is because He loves me, he is love defined. Even through this hard, lonely season, He is loving me. He is my father in heaven. He wants me to know this. Again, how easily i forget this simple truth. He created me. Even before the creation of the world he knew me and loved me. If i’m honest, i really, really can’t get my head around this but its truth. Full stop.

He knows everything there is to know about me. Scary thought. I know a heck of a lot about me and i don’t always like what i know. At all. But again, He loves me. He knows that I am a sinner, that i mess up but that doesn’t stop Him loving me. Wow!

He has promised to be with me always. There are times lately when I have felt so lonely, like no one really understands me but i am never alone. I have a heavenly father who loves me, is always there and always keeps His promises. A father who understands me!

He wants to be the centre of my life, the centre of everything I do, everything I say, everything I think but He isn’t. So far from it. How ridiculous. This God, my father, desires a relationship with me. A relationship can only grow when it is two way. How we can develop a friendship if we never talk to someone, never spend time with them!? Its absurd. Yet thats exactly what i do. I say i have a relationship with God but part of me is scared to run to Him, to his open arms and share my heart. How can I not trust my King?! The song i’m listening to right now! Its ridiculous. He has done so much for me yet I don’t trust Him, ultimately with my heart.

I know that I’m scared yet I have no reason. Through past relationships I have found it hard to really give my heart but why do I even think about God like this? He is not mere man. He is the one who has called, saved me, reconciled me.

Even now, as i sit and write this, my heart isn’t feeling it, doesn’t feel the truth. I hate that because one thing I know about the way God made me, was to be passionate. I am a passionate person, I love loving people, I love loving what I do. So when I don’t feel passionate, it hurts. I don’t want to be in this place.

I feel like a hypocrite. In just a few weeks I am heading back to uni and will be leading a Christian Union. How can I do that when my relationship with God is near enough non-existent. I guess it makes me more dependent on God but it’s not real. I want to lead others to Jesus, I want others to realise the depth of His love for them, but I don’t know it myself. I’m scared of what i will be like if i really grasp the depths, the heights, the width of his love for me. I want so much to escape with God. I have enjoyed a summer serving Him in different ways but I haven’t spent quality time with Him. Just me and Him. I wnat to know the feeling of being in His arms, feeling His love wrap around me.

Someone recently said to me that I need to love myself for some one else to be able to love me. But my heart says that actually I need to know how much my creator, the author of life loves me. I need to let go but i’m holding back. There’s always something holding me back. Even now, I know I have to go to work so I can’t engage my heart, because I don’t think its going to be an easy road to travel, realising how much he loves me. Especially when I can’t even begin to get my head around it. When I see myself, think about myself, I can’t even begin to imagine the love of the one who actually created me!

Woah! I have written a lot. This is my heart right now. He knows that. I love that.

This post is dedicated to my wonderful parents, Roger and Joy.

This day 29 years ago they got married! I am beyond blessed to have the privilege of being their daughter. They are two of the most amazing, godly, inspiring, incredible, people i know and i love them beyond words.

They haven’t been without their difficulties as a couple, as individuals, as a family but the way they have dealt with everything is so inspiring. They have always encouraged me and my sisters to pray, to seek God’s will in all they have done no matter how hard things have been, and at times they have!

A few special moments that come to mind; when I went to Brazil I needed encouragement, support, money, help with fundraising and all they did was incredible!! I remember conversations wth my mum before I went and they were conversations that I willl never forget. What a blessing! Throughout my time in Brazil, mum and dad sent me individual letters that were just beautiful. So different yet so awesome!

I love how close our family is, the bond we share and ultimately its all because of Jesus! He, by His amazing grace has loved us and brought each one of us into a personal relationship with Him and i thank God for these two incredible people who have helped lead us to Christ. Thank you Father.

As i lift them up before the throne of Grace i continue to pray that God would make them more the people He wants them to be and that they would imitate even more the most amazing marriage between Christ and His church.

If I ever am to be married I know that they are a couple that I would seek guidance and counsel from because the love between them is wonderful and beautiful. I pray for more couples like them to be raised up,, to show the way in these times when marriage is not seen as sacred and special in the same way as it was. They have shown me the beauty of it.

Thank you Father for the blessing that these parents are to me.

This past week has been hard but this next week is exciting!

A few weeks ago I was away with the girls from CU in Cambridge for a weekend away and it was such a great weekend!
I was really able to spend time with the girls. I was given the opportunity to spend time doing one of my favourite things in the world-listening! A few of the girls really opened their hearts to me, sharing whats going on in their lives and letting me pray with them…it was beautiful. Since that weekend I feel that God is really blessing those relationships. i’m beginning to see and accept that this is a gift from God. The gift of being able to listen, to share, to empathise and to pray and what a blessing that gift is from my heavenly Father. Since then a few people have come to me to talk about things and asked me to pray with them. Wow!

Back to the point of this blog!…We were looking at a few incidents in the gospel of luke and one that came up again was about the woman who anointed Jesus and those of you who read my blog may have seen that i wrote about it a while ago. Anyway, after we heard a talk on it we were encouraged to pray and see what God is challenging us with. The thing that really touched my heart was that the woman knew her sin. She knew how much she had sinned and as a result she loved much.

This got me really thinking. Another thing that challenged me that weekend is how judgemental i can be. I have had the privilege of being brought up in a christian home but i think at times this has caused me to judge others who haven’t had the same godly upbringing. I was really challenged that I too am a sinner but even more, I need to have a greater awareness of that sin that I may see how much i need God’s grace and how much He has loved me!

I prayed with a few girls after this talk and prayed that God would open my eyes to my sin and how in need I am of his saving grace!…God really answered my prayers this week and it wasn’t a pleasant experience!
There have been a few things in my life where I have really sinned and totally fallen short of the glory of God. I was then told by a really good friend that I had messed up and i knew it. It was horrible. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I cried and cried myself to sleep and felt like SUCH a failure!

But what an answer to prayer and as much as it hurts i don’t want it to be over yet because i know God has more to teach me, more to show me. So much more. I want to go deeper with Him, I want to grow deeper in love with Him, I wnat Him to be the love of my life, I want to know His grace deep within the very core of who I am.

This next week I am blessed to have the opprortunity of going to New Word Alive which is basically a Christian Conference with thousands of Christians, my family and amazing teaching. I am so excited!
I would love it if you would pray for me. I want to really use this opportunity to seek God in a new way, to ‘just be’ with Him. I need God to speak to me, to speak to my heart, to move me and change me. Oh to be more like Jesus!

I’ve just been to CU and i wanted to share this with you straight away before I lose the wonder of it.

Tonights talk was hard! We were looking at the book of James chapter 4v11-5v6. If you’ve never read James, I encourage you to but be prepared to take the punches! It’s easy to think as many have that James is teeling us how not to live and how to do things better. I made this mistake too. We think he’s saying, you should live like this or live like that but through studying at CU i have seen that isnt the case.

James is telling us how sinful we are..wretched sinners. We in these chapters, judge others, talk about others but who are we to judge? We do the same things, this is a big sin of mine and recently God has been showing me this. I am so judgemental but I dont have the right to be. I am no better! I am a wretched sinner! We talk about people behind their back.
The next bit goes on to talk about making plans and this is a HUGE on for me right biw. We so often make plans as to what we want to do, where we want to go but do we consider God in this? James isnt saying it is wrong to make plans but if God is not in the agenda then of course its wrong. Steve asked the question, ‘when planning, do you think of how you are going to be more godly in 5 years?’ ouch! no way do i do it. But why not?!

The next part goes on to talk about wealth and it links in so well with the bit before. They have made plans to live for themselves, to gain all the wealth they can and live happily (at the expense of the servants!!!). But James creates a nightmare of a picture! Their welath is rotting, corroding away, eating away. What was the point of their welath? What did it gain them? NOthing?
So often our plans are all about us, what job we want so we can get lots of money, so we can live comfortably. at whose expense? I felt like i’d been punched in the stomach! What am i living for? Wealth?

I think the honest answer is no i’m not but theres something i am struggling with that i’d like to share with you. For my gap year two years ago I went to Brazil and for a very short part of that I worked with street kids and loved it. Ever since i’ve wanted to go back. Recently i’ve been struggling with thinking about the future. Should i be at uni? Should i go abroad long term? I prayed and talked to my dad and we decided it would be good to stay at uni but look at opportunities for after. I had a look on a website ansd there was an advert for summer trip, 3 weeks to Brazil. My heart jumped! It sounds perfect! Then theres the money issue! … I’m at uni, only just getting by but my heart wants to go so badly…when speaking to people they have said that they dont think i can go becuase of money, its just not practical. I get that, I do but that means working the whole summer for money, for the wealth to get by at uni. Then a verse came up on the calendar next to my bed yesterday saying, ‘My Father will give you whatever you ask in my name’, could be a total coincidence.
I just dont know what to do. i am praying but i dont see a way. please pray with me that God would make it clear what I am to do…

That was a bit of a tangent, sorry!  Back to the point…I felt so strongly that I just needed to pray so I came back straight away after CU and spent some time praying. I felt God wanted me to opray that I would seek him, that I would devote myself to Him and I prayed some pretty strong words. It was a fight to pray them but i strongly felt i needed to. I prayed that I would give myself to God and commit my life to Him, wherever he wants me to go and even if he calls me to be single. this is pretty huge. I did pray however that if God did chose to bless me with a husband one day, it would be someone so passionate for Jesus, someone who wanted to give their lives completely to God to. Just because I prayed these words doesnt mean its magic and its not gonna be hard but Ive got to keep praying that god would help me live for Him, give myself to Him.

MAybe its time you did the same…maybe its time you started living how God wants you to live. We are called to love Him with all our mind, body, soul and heart..that is quite an ask. But maybe it should start with the small steps and alllowing God to work in us, to change us into who he wants us to be.

Goodness, I actually don’t know where to start. God is teaching me so much and I haven’t written for so long! I have wanted to write for so long and as yet I haven’t been able to but a friend encouarged me tonight to let Him do the speaking and thats something He’s teaching me…

This evening I went to my home group and it was different. I’m not totally sure why but i felt like i belonged and like I’m going to grow; that together we are goign to grow. For a few weeks we were sharing testimonies and talking of what God has done in our lives, who has encouraged us on the way and how god has spoken to us. Its been an exciting time. Tonight it was the guys time. two of the guys in the group who i see as the leaders shared their stories and they were pretty incredible. There were some things I just wasn’t expecting and they really took me by surprise but one guy, such a great goldy guy kept mentioning how God had told him this or told him that so at the end i asked him, what do you mean, he talks to you?

I dont mean that i dont think God talks to people, i just love hearing how He speaks differently to people and its one thing i struggle with, hearing God, knowing its God speaking to me. he said how it has taken time to grow but he waits on God, listening to Him. As i was listening i was seeing a real relationship.

One of the girls, one of the pastors wives, asked why i asked which was a bit scary. i had to be honest and i dont always like being! I explained that i wanted to know God speaking to me. recently i have felt such a strong desire on my heart to have a relationship with God. Not just pray and read the Bible but to really have an intimate relationship. The girl asked if she could pray for me, they all did and we prayed that togetehr we would grow as a group but you know what? It was kindan scary. like God wants to oush me out of my comfort zone. hes doing this a lot lately anyway, especially being a leader of CU but i’ll come back to that.

i feel that this is a beginnign of a new journey with God, one of getting to know Him, to share with Him, give Him my heart and i’m scared, im nervous.. i dont really like giving away my heart but i am learning that God is so good, so so so good and that He is more than enough for me. I feel that this may be a time of waiting on God and i encouarge you to do the same.

I have been thinking a lot about the gospel recently, really thinking about it. And i think thats what its about. God created Adam and Eve to nkow Him, to have a real relationship with them. He wanted to know them and be known by them but sin came. That relationship was broken and thats why Jesus died. To bring us back into a relationship with Him. We had a lunch bar today…a guy gave a talk on suffering and God and someone asked a question about if we give our lives to jesus and then decide to live our lives our own way, are we still forgiven but i guess my question is, why not? God wants so passionately to have a relationship with him. Just look at the story of Hosea but its so much more then sayign sorry to Him. Its giving our hearts and our lives to Him, walking with Him and thats what i want. I am so far away from this right now but thats waht my heart desires. And thats what my heart desires for you and for the people of this campus that God has called me to serve in.

So, a little while ago i wrote a blog about how i couldn’t find a church and if i’m honest, it started to get to me. I was frustrated and kept praying but wonderign if i would actually find anywhere.

i have felt so selfish because to be honest i’m spoilt for choice for churches where i am but none felt right even though they were good and faithful, they just didn’t feel like home. So last week i heard about a different church, one i hadn’t come across before so i listened to a couple of sermons and they were soo so good! I had to find it! So after the service at another church, i walked to this one to find out about their serviceas and made a plan to go the foolowing week.. yesterday!

It was such a blessed day from the people, to the teaching, to the worship, to the people that invited me to lunch and made me feel at home despite the struggles they are facing right now and you know what…i felt like I’d coem home! what a feeling!

The sermon in the morning was the third in the series of Jonah and it was just what my heart needed to hear… Jonah didin’t think that the Ninevites were worthy of Gods grace and Myles got us to look at ourselves and think if there was any one in our lives that we thought about that…’that person will never become a christian’…etc. that challenged me! he went onto talk about the things in our churches that we get caught up in like pews to chairs etc when we should be concerned for the lost. The question that struck me was, ‘what keeps you awake at night? is it the stress of the day or those who are lost’. what a challenge! what a church to be a part of but the thing that i realised or that God opened my eyes to see that was through not feeling at home in the CU or church i was able to do a part of what he wanted me to do…

so through my life i have had lots of christian friends, never had many non christian friends and i was scared about that coming to uni. I reckon if i had felt a part of the CU and the churc straight away i would have been caught up in the Bible but it made me reach out and make friends, good friends with some non christians and i want to reach them, i want to love the, i want to be Jesus to them.

To finsh off, the quoute of the sermon yesterday that will stick with me is: ‘Lord, break my heart with the things that break your heart’. Amen is all i can say to that. And thank you Lord for being soo so faithful and good!

There is so much going on in my head and my heart that I don’t really know where to begin. Firstly, I was so excited I just had to blog twice so thanks for reading! Lately I guess I’ve been a little frustrated that Gods word hasn’t seemed particularly real to me, like I’m just going through the motions to read it last thing at night before sleeping and thats it. Today I’ve listened to quite a few sermons of Mark Driscoll on Song of songs, awesome stuff!

Anyway, tonight I decided to take some time out to do my readings a little earlier and spend time with God. I did my usual readings and was struck by the story of Abraham taking Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him and i thought to myself ‘wow, thats real trust in God, what a sacrifice’. This of course lead me to God and the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus, God has always known that Jesus would die, what a sacrifice! Kind of blew my mind once again.

I carried on reading and felt God leading me to Johns gospel chapter 15, ‘The vine and the branches’ and I have to say God by His Spirit has revealed it in a new and excititng way for me so i thought i’d share it wth you also so that i remember what He has been teaching me.

v1-2. God doesn’t just cut off the branches but He prunes us. We aren’t just brought into his family and left as we are but God changes us, prunes us, to make us more like Him.

v3-4. We are clean by the blood of Jesus and we are to remain in Jesus. Practically I think this means to read His word, spend time with Him, give everything to Him, our thoughts, our actions, every moment of every day to Him, to really remain in Him. We cannot bear fruit by ourselves. Just becasue we have been made clean by the blood of Jesus doesn’t mean we can go our own way, we won’t bear fruit! We need to stay with Jesus!

v5-8. Jesus is the vine! Not just going to church, reading our Bible, though all good thnigs but Jesus himself! We can do nothing without Him! If we go away from Jesus, that is why we fall away, its our fault! if we remain in jesus, if we keep His words in us, meditating on them we can ask Him anything and He will provide.

I have been frustrated by some things lately thinking that they haven’t been Jesus focused enough, that prayer hasn’t been happening but i’ve been failing to look at myself. God challenged me today, to ask me, but am I remaining in Him? Do I really believe that NOTHING is possible without him or do i think i can try myself and ask Him if I really ahve to…NOTHING is possible without Jesus…is he the focus of my life?!

many people have asked about v8-does that mean I can have anything I want but God told me through this that if we are remaining in Jesus, seeking Him through His word then we are becoming more like Jesus, our thoughts are becoming more like His, our ways becoming more like His ways. We will be praying more of what Jesus wants which is ultimately for Gods glory! We won’t be selfish if we are remaining in Jesus.

v9-11. God loved Jesus-His only son, so much! jesus has loved us that much. he went to the cross because he loved us that much and becasue our sin was that bad! We are to remain in the love of Jesus-i think this means we are to reflect on the cross, on the price that was paid there, the love that was displayed there, for me and for you! We are to obey God just like Jesus did! jesus has told us this so that His joy may be complete in us…wow!

v12-13. Jesus loved us so much He lay down His life-there is no greater love. He did it for his friends, for those he loved, for the world he loved. We are to love as Jesus has loved us..woah! Thats asking a lot. I had been getting frustrated that we weren’t mission minded enough but again god rebuked me, saying do I really love as Jesus loved? Do I love those that he has placed in my life with the love of Jesus!?

v14-15. We are not servants! We know what Jesus knows. God has made it known to us. We really are part of the family, nothing held back!

v16-17. We were chosen by God to bear fruit. not just to remain but to remain and bear fruit. To make Him known. God has given us gifts to use, to share, for His glory! We are being transformed every day more into His image! We are to love one another. Are we doing that? Am I doing that!?

Sorry it was quite long, I just really felt challenged by Gods word tonight and wanted to share.

I think i’ve mentioned this book before called ‘Mirror mirror’ but there’s a part from it that i’d like to share with you. A few friends and myself have been struggling with who we are in Christ. I encourage you to read this and put your name at the beginning of each statement and I pray that as you do you will beleive it in your heart.